“Enjoy life with the woman [man] whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given you under the sun; for this is your reward in life, and in your toil in which you have laboured under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 9:9) Yes, there is “toil” and negatives and storms that dump upon us in our marriages; but there are also benefits as you look for those pots of gold that are there for the taking. Michele Weiner-Davis says this about marriages: “I’m certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they’d be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they’re in at the moment is where they will be forever. That can be a depressing thought when you’re in the midst of hard times. And in marriage, there are lots of hard times but it’s important to remember that nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage.” “As a long-time observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like people, marriages go through different developmental stages. “As you read through these stages and developmental passages, don’t get too hung up on the timetable. Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others, and some by-pass certain stages entirely. See if any of this sounds familiar to you as you think about your own marriage.” STAGE ONE: Passion Prevails: In this stage or season: “You’re head over heals in love, you can’t believe how blessed you are to have met each other. You have so much in common. You’re completely in sync. When little, annoying things pop up, they’re dismissed and overlooked. You feel good in your partner’s presence and start to believe that he or she is bringing out the best in you and you decide to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. And marry, you do. “…And for a period of time, nothing could be more glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn’t at all what you expected it to be.” Weathering STAGE TWO: What Was I Thinking? “In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it’s here that you experience the biggest fall. What accounts for this drastic change in perspective? For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many differences between you. You feel disillusioned and wonder if you made a mistake.” (Michelle Weiner Davis) And that’s when the trouble starts! Sometimes the differences seem so overwhelming we’re tempted just to dump out of the relationship. Jentezen Franklin points this out, all too well. But here’s what he says he and his wife have learned to do instead: “When we go through the valley of trouble, we do not grab our toothbrushes, head out the door and say it’s over. We reach over, grab each other’s hand and keep pursuing God. Even in the lowest seasons of marriage, God will always open a door of hope. Research shows that, statistically, the happiest couples are those who have been married thirty to thirty-five years. It typically takes the first nine to seventeen years for people to die to self. That is why the highest percentage of divorces occur during the first nine years of marriage. You need to understand that some days are good, and some days are tough. You must determine to stick it out together.” (From: “Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt”). Disclaimer: Please note that sticking together does not mean accepting physical abuse from a spouse! That is totally unacceptable as you could easily lose your life! Weathering STAGE THREE: Everything Would Be Great if YOU Changed “In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way, also known as the ‘Right Way.’ Rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle to get their partners to admit they’re wrong. Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they’ve tried everything; some people give up. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after. “But there are still others who decide that it’s time to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the later option requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.” (Michelle Weiner Davis). Weathering STAGE FOUR: That’s Just the Way S/He Is “In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we’re never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they’re not as intense as in the earlier years of marriage. We let things roll off our back that might have caused us to go to battle before. We stop being opponents. We’re teammates again. And because we’ve reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth and final stage.” To get to stage five: “Couples will have attained mature love, have learned to appreciate each other’s uniqueness. But they don’t just sit back and bask in the beauty of love as if all their work is done. They also recognize the ‘weeds’ of the relationship—petty arguments, jealousies, attitudes that can creep up and choke the life out of the relationship. Couples at this stage are better at tending the garden, picking weeks before they become major problems, and spreading the nourishment of safety, respect and solid communication.” STAGE FIVE: Together, At Last “It’s really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage five. This is when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. You’re no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be. For this reason, there’s more peace and harmony. You start having ‘old day feelings’ again. You’ve come full circle. The feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last. You’re home again.” Trust us; it’s wonderful to get to this season of marriage. It’s not that you will be trouble free! Each season/stage has troubles of its own. But it’s MUCH easier to weather it together. “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) And that’s the “formula” for getting to this place. Do this together WITH God! But it’s important to also remember: As You’re Weathering These Seasons and Stages of Marriage: “It’s important to remember that people generally don’t go through these stages sequentially. It’s 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Just when you begin to feel more at peace with each other in stage four, a crisis occurs. You then find yourselves slipping back to stage three. But if you’ve been fortunate enough to have visited stage four, sanity sets in eventually. You are able to get back on track. Love is dynamic. So is marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this, and the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last!” (Michelle Weiner Davis)