Are you a “right fighter?” When you’re conflicting with your spouse, do you keep fighting about the issue at hand until you feel you’ve made the point clear that you are right, and he or she is wrong? If you’re doing that, then yes, you are right fighting. It’s also arguing to such a degree that you would much rather prove you are right than work on saving the relationship. Perhaps it’s you who does this, or perhaps it’s your spouse who does the “right fighting.” Either way, it can certainly damage your marriage relationship. We’re reminded of the scripture: “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2). We need to realize something that Dr John Grey often points out: “’ Winning’ at the other’s expense is a net loss for the marriage relationship.” Talking AND Listening Resolving conflict within the marriage is more about talking AND listening, rather than talking AT each other to the bitter end —without doing much listening (with “bitter” being the operative word). Just because one partner can out-argue or talk faster than the other (until he or she is confused), that doesn’t mean the quieter one in conveying his or her thoughts is “wrong” and the other is “right.” Is There Really a Winner When Right Fighting is Involved? I’m wondering though, how is it worth it to feel like a winner who told “my spouse a thing or two” when in order to do so, I have to make my spouse into a loser? This is really messed up thinking. It can cause a lot of harm to our spouse’s feelings. Writer and counselor Gary Oliver wrote about what he learned on this matter (in the book, “Mad About Us”) saying: “Early in our marriage, I learned that I could be right but go about being right in a wrong or an unhealthy way. In the intensity of an emotional discussion, it’s easy to say things or do things or express ourselves in a tone of voice that discounts and wounds our partner. Over the next few years, I discovered that there were some things I needed to apologize for. My intentions had been good, but my words had wounded the person I loved the most.” “Do you truly care about the truth of what you were discussing with your husband or wife … or is it really about winning —about being the victor, again? Are you sure pressing your advantage wasn’t more about pride rather than what was best for your relationship? “Being right and being prideful are often two ends of the same stick we use to bludgeon our way to winning. The ‘truth’ can be very deceiving as we convince ourselves it’s the most vital element in any argument. But it’s important to be correct, isn’t it? Yes, it is. But when it comes to disagreements in marriage, there is something that is better than truth and arguing your spouse into the corner. “That’s right, sometimes emphasizing how right we are is far less important than how much we value our spouse. Beating him/her with the club of correctness won’t get the job done. It will, however, get a job done. It will keep us apart from one another. Is that what you want? Being right …and alone …separated emotionally (and often physically) from the person you pledged your life to?” Instead of fighting to the point of pushing us farther apart, isn’t marriage supposed to be a lifetime commitment of “marrying” lifestyles and ideas so that TOGETHER (as well as individually) you put a stronger foot forward as you step into the future? Isn’t it about the principle of “we won’t always think alike, but we are committed to ‘think together’ as marriage partners?” If you’re a right fighter, and/or your spouse is one, here are a few suggestions that can help: Don’t Despair! You Can Overcome Right Fighting “This habit does NOT have to define you. You are capable of releasing this habit at any time. Begin by imagining what conflict would be like if the outcome was not important. Begin to allow others to hold one opinion and you another without having ill or hurt feelings. What would life be like to be loved, cared for, and respected rather than being ‘right’? Try validating others’ opinions as equally valuable. This doesn’t mean you must agree, only to say ‘yes’ you and your view are as valuable as mine.” Conflict in marriage is certain to happen. But we can choose to fight to the bitter end or to a BETTER end. The ability to resolve conflict is an essential ingredient of a healthy marriage.” Choose your battles wisely, and learn when it’s important to work it through, and when it’s important to just let it go. “Everyone has his or her own unique perspective of the same situation. Respect that they see it from their particular view and experience. This doesn’t make it true… “Review your own opinion for possible places to change or adapt your particular position. Staying humble… be willing to look at all sides of the discussion.” Remember, as it pertains to Right Fighting: “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end, it leads to death” (Proverbs 16:25). Sometimes proving to your spouse that your way is the “right” way can cause a death in your relationship. “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). When in conflict, Stop, Look, Listen, and THEN Proceed to work towards the goal of resolving the conflict in wiser, healthier ways.